


Autumn Magnets

by A_Little_Boosh_Maid



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Actors, Best Friends, Between Episodes, Foreshadowing, Friendship/Love, Light Angst, M/M, Metafiction, Origin Story, Out of Character, Pining, Pre-Slash, Psychodrama, References to Canon, Season/Series 01, Story within a Story, Theatre
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2019-11-26 14:00:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18181520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Little_Boosh_Maid/pseuds/A_Little_Boosh_Maid
Summary: I've always been interested in Vince getting the lead role of Julian in Simon McFarnaby's devised theatre piece, "Autumn Magnets". What would it have been like, and how would it have affected Vince and his relationship with Howard? Takes place between the episodes "Charlie" and "Electro". Doesn't quite fit with canon, but did canon ever fit with canon?





	1. Act One

**ACT ONE**

[ _SCENE: A garden, lush and luxuriant, almost sensually so; there is a suggestion of ripe fruit indicative of early autumn, and of a mist that rose earlier this morning, but which has now dissipated._

_Enter stage left the head gardener, JULIAN. He is a tall handsome scruffy Yorkshireman with a moustache, dressed in some vague approximation of a green uniform. Enter stage right his apprentice, LEON. He is a less tall, possibly rather younger, thinnish, quite girly-looking faux-Cockney. LEON has the same vague uniform, but has sought to individualise it by wearing a striped tee-shirt, a hat, and a studded leather belt with it, and sewing rock band patches onto his jacket. One may immediately assume that LEON believes he is "cool", or at least cooler than JULIAN. The two stand next to each other_ ].

JULIAN ( _to audience, breaking the fourth wall and thus showing this is going to be quite "edgy" and metafictional_ ): Hi. Welcome to the Cosmic Garden. My name's Julian. This is Leon, my apprentice.

LEON ( _a little flirtatiously_ ): Apprentice? Get stuffed. You're my apprentice.

JULIAN: Don't start showing out.

LEON ( _smirking_ ): Or what?

JULIAN: Or I'll come at you fast, like a northern bullet.

( _Leon shakes his head, looking simultaneously amused, aporetic, and aroused by this ineffectual threat_ ).

************************************************************

Vince read this far in his script, and then stopped. At least, he was pretty sure this was his script, and he knew for a fact he had stopped reading, because that's all there was.

"I'm so glad you were able to take the role of Julian in my devised piece _Autumn Magnets_ ", said Simon McFarnaby. "I saw you in _Candide_ at The Palladium, and you were sensational. Perfectly captured the idiot-faced optimism that makes Candide such an infuriating character to watch".

"Thanks for asking me", said Vince. "The thing is though, I think Howard sort of had his heart set on the role".

"Oh dear old Howard", said Simon, with real affection in his voice. "He was quite out of the question though – he can't act. He gets on stage and he just ... chokes. Freezes up. It's pathetic, yet quite funny too, when you're in the right mood. But I wouldn't be in the mood when it's my devised piece".

Vince had arrived for his first day at the Camden Community Theatre, not knowing quite what to expect. He had met with Simon in the room they had been assigned – it wasn't very large, probably because they only had a cast of two. It looked rather like an empty classroom, with lines of tables shoved against the back wall to create a performance space, but they had a good view of the street below from the second storey.

"So how did you want me to approach the character of Julian?", asked Vince.

"Well Julian's from Yorkshire ... can you do a Yorkshire accent?", Simon enquired.

"Aye oop, lad, that I can", said Vince in a thick comedy accent.

"Look, this is devised theatre, not Monty Python", said Simon impatiently. "Julian is an educated, middle-class man from the well-to-do suburbs of some major urban centre, not a farmworker off the moors. Tone the accent right down".

"A major urban centre in Yorkshire? You mean like Leeds or something?".

"It doesn't have to be Leeds ... it could be Sheffield or Halifax, let's leave that open for now", said Simon. "And he needs to have a moustache, so start growing one at once. It would be good if you could make yourself a bit bigger as well – Julian is quite tall".

"Couldn't you have just got a tall Yorkshireman with a moustache for the role?", asked Vince.

"That isn't how acting works", said Simon. "You, as the actor, must be able to portray a particular character, even changing yourself physically for the role if necessary. An actor must be prepared to portray someone of a different age, the opposite gender, or a different sexuality; they must be ready to gain or lose weight for the role, or gain or lose height. They might need to shave their head, pretend to be deformed, or in this case, grow a moustache".

"Yeah, okay", said Vince, writing _grow mustashe_ on his script. "And who's playing Leon?".

"Well, I auditioned dozens of actors, but none of them were quite girly enough", said Simon. "So I cast quite a boyish-looking actress in the role. Ah, here she is now".

"I'm _so_ sorry to be late to rehearsal on my first day", said a tall, thin woman with a mop of untidy brown curls, trailing clouds of scarves behind her as she twirled dramatically into the room. "I know it's dreadful of me – please, please forgive me, darlings".

She looked beseechingly at them both and fluttered her long eyelashes. False, thought Vince spitefully. And that coming in late – nothing more than a bid for attention.

"That's quite alright", said Simon tolerantly. "I think for the first day, we'll keep it very informal. Vanessa, this is Vince: he's playing Julian. And Vince, Vanessa will be playing your apprentice, Leon".

"How do you do?", said Vanessa in a friendly way. She reached over to shake Vince's hand, and then decided to kiss him on each cheek instead.

"Actually I don't think Leon _is_ an apprentice", Vince said, sounding more aggressive than he meant. "I think that's just something Julian says, as a joke or something".

"Ooh great, you're coming up with theories already", said Simon delightedly. "But what do you think, Vanessa? I mean, you actually _are_ Leon. Is he an apprentice?".

"Well I think he probably is", said Vanessa. "But he's such a scatterbrain I can see him not realising that, or forgetting about it".

"Wonderful, Vanessa", said Simon. "I can see you're getting into Leon's headspace. And Vince, how do you see Julian?".

"He's a bit of a berk", offered Vince. "Always trying to boss Leon around, put him in his place. He acts as if he knows everything, and treats Leon like a child".

"Hm, well he is the head gardener", said Simon, not looking quite convinced. "It doesn't sound as if you're really sympathetic to your character".

"He's hardly a character yet", said Vince. "I mean, the script finishes after just a few lines".

"That's because this is devised theatre", said Simon. "Surely you understand what that means?".

"It means the script is something that we, the director and actors, create ourselves collectively from a particular jumping-off point", said Vanessa brightly. "It's a technique used in theatre since ancient times".

"Very good, Vanessa", said Simon with a smile in her direction.

"And Simon's known as the foremost exponent of devised theatre in Britain today", continued Vanessa.

"Please, Vanessa! You'll give me a big head", said Simon with a wide smile. "But even though I may be the foremost exponent of devised theatre in contemporary Britain, I want you both to treat me as just as part of the team, and part of the theatrical process. I want you to challenge me, to tear my ideas down so they can be remade anew".

"So we're going to write the rest of the script ourselves?", said Vince.

"Yes. Through improvisation, workshopping, theatre games, clowning, brainstorming, and through what I call The Simon McFarnaby Method, which means we all just muck in and get it done!".

Vanessa laughed in appreciation, while Vince wondered what the hell Simon was going on about. He'd always thought Howard used too many big words and was inclined to push his weight around, but Simon was far worse.

Vince thought maybe Howard wasn't so bad, after all. When he got home, he'd do something nice for him; offer him a Raspberry Bootlace, or ask him if he wanted to watch _Colobus the Crab_ together. Then he remembered Howard was in a mood with him, for getting the role of Julian that _he'd_ wanted. He wiped his brow: this was all getting too complicated.

"Now Vanessa, I really want you to have fun with Leon's hair, make-up, and costumes", Simon went on. "You'll need to have your hair straightened, cut into a shag, then dyed very dark with blonde highlights. There'll be fifteen people working on your hair at any one time".

"Goodness, that will be a lark", said Vanessa. "I never bother with my hair normally, I just leave it soft and natural".

"You can tell", said Vince, his lip curled.

"I'm really looking forward to completely altering my appearance for the role", said Vanessa. "It's great that I not only get to play a man, but one who's more feminine than I am, and wears a lot more make-up than I usually do. I'm going to be stretched in so many different ways".

Vince snickered.

"Splendid", said Simon ushering her out of the room. "Can you pop down the hall to Penny in make-up and Lucy in wardrobe? You have a lot to talk about".

"Bye, Vince", called Vanessa as she exited. "It was scrumptious meeting you, and I just know we're going to enjoy working together. I feel as if we're super chums already". She gave him a little wave.

"See ya", said Vince, looking at his fingernails.

Simon came up to Vince, and put his arm around him in a big brotherly sort of way.

"Vince, can I ask you to be a bit nicer to Vanessa?'", he said. "You didn't even greet her when she entered the room, and your attitude has been quite antagonistic".

"Sorry", said Vince. "I'm being a bit of a tit, aren't I?".

"Just a little", smiled Simon. "But why on earth don't you like her? She a lovely woman, so simple and sunny. Everyone adores Vanessa. One of the reasons I chose her for the role is because I thought you two would get on like a house on fire".

"It's probably that I'm already getting into my role", suggested Vince. "You know, working up some real grumpiness towards Leon".

"That's how you see Julian?", said Simon with a furrowed brow. "As a grouch who doesn't like Leon?".

"Yeah he gets pretty annoyed with Leon a lot of the time", said Vince, rather sadly. "You know, because Leon is a bit thick".

"But Vince, Julian and Leon are the best of friends", said Simon. "They might tease each other and get on each other's nerves from time to time, but the two of them are very close. Where did you get the idea that Julian and Leon didn't get on with each other?".

"Dunno", shrugged Vince. "I suppose it was all that stuff where Julian is putting Leon down and threatening to hit him".

"Oh Vince, Julian wouldn't hurt a fly", said Simon, ruffling his hair in a big brotherly manner. "That's how he shows his affection. The only way he can imagine getting physical with Leon".

"Don't touch my hair", snapped Vince, smoothing it back down. "I don't like it messed with".

"Ah yes, your hair", said Simon. "You're going to have to change that for the role. I want you to stop doing anything at all to your hair, starting now. Later on, we'll dye it brown, and put a loose perm through it, and then scruff it up. What colour's your hair under all that lot?".

"Um, it's sort of fairish", said Vince.

"Mouse coloured?".

"No, dark blond", said Vince, irritated. "And it's got ... I dunno, a sort of slight wave in it".

"Good", said Simon briskly. "Stop dyeing it, and let it grow without getting it cut or styled. It will be easier to turn it into Julian's hair from your natural state".

Vince looked appalled, but nodded once; a quick sharp bob of his head.

"So where did you get the idea for Julian and Leon, anyway?", asked Vince slowly, staring down at his script.

"Oh, using two clown figures who feed off each other has been a major trope in theatre since forever", said Simon easily; Vince was glad he'd stopped putting his arm around him, and was now striding around the room. "It started with the rustic fools of ancient Greek and Roman drama, and was developed by the _commedia dell'arte_ during the Italian Renaissance. They're in Shakespeare, they're in Beckett ...".

"Wait a minute. Julian and Leon are clowns?", said Vince. "I thought they were gardeners. It says here they're gardeners". He tapped on the script with his fingers.

"By 'clown', I mean they take on the _role_ of the clown in the play", explained Simon. "Their actual jobs could be anything – gravediggers, tramps. Or in this case, gardeners".

"And why a garden?".

"An obvious symbol of innocence, like the Garden of Eden", said Simon. "And the fact that it's called The Cosmic Garden is suggestive of a microcosm: that the world we show on stage is a representation of, not only our own planet, but our entire universe".

"What, the whole universe is going to be in a small theatre?", said Vince disbelievingly.

"That's right!", chuckled Simon. "It's incredible isn't it? And just as the Garden of Eden kicked off all the events of the Bible, are we in fact showing that The Cosmic Garden represents the Big Bang, or even, the period _before_ The Big Bang? A place innocent of time and space? Hmm?".

"Er ... yes", said Vince, a bit desperately.

"Yes it's the Big Bang, or yes it's the period before The Big Bang?", questioned Simon keenly.

"Um ... the second one", said Vince.

He had no idea what Simon was banging on about, and his head hurt. Howard was the one who liked talking about philosophical things; he would have enjoyed this conversation, while it was just making Vince feel sick and dizzy, as if he'd been on a rollercoaster too many times.

"This has been a fantastic rehearsal", said Simon, quickly scribbling down notes onto his own script. "I love these brainstorming sessions, where we put forward and develop our thoughts for the play. You've come up with some brilliant ideas, Vince. That whole notion of getting outside time and space, or living beyond them ... really great stuff".

"Oh well, it just sort of came to me", said Vince vaguely. He was pretty sure it was really Simon who'd come up with all the ideas, and he was just saying Vince had so that he could claim they were doing dervish theatre, or whatever it was called.

"Ah, the humility of the true genius", said Simon, looking pleased.

"So you didn't base Julian and Leon on anyone you know in real life, then?", said Vince, looking directly at Simon.

"My heavens no", said Simon in amusement. "They're stock characters, done thousands of times before. Each time we, as artists, must reach into the pool and remake the characters in a slightly different image".

"You don't think Julian is a bit like Howard? You know, being tall and handsome from Yorkshire with a moustache?".

"That's one of the biggest fallacies about the creative process", Simon said with a superior little smile. "People think you must have based every character on someone you know, when nine times out of ten they're straight from your imagination. But there's often a little of yourself in your characters, and I think perhaps Julian is like me in some ways".

"Like _you_?".

"Yes, I'm quite tall, you see", said Simon. "And I'm from the north of England, not far from Yorkshire. And I expect some people think of me as quite scruffy, and I'm really rather handsome in a craggy way. I mean, stick a moustache on me, and I'm Julian".

Vince had a proper look at Simon, and thought he _was_ a bit like Howard ... a sort of Alternative Howard. He shuddered to think of the universe where he got stuck with Simon as his best mate. He had an idea Alternative Vince would be a cunning, nasty piece of work who would do anything for fame and publicity, rather than graciously allowing fame and publicity to come to him, the way Vince did. Then he thought Simon must be getting to him, making up alternative universes as if they were real or meant something!

The door opened, and Vanessa came back.

"Hello, chaps", she said cheerily. "I've just been sorting my old wig out".

She gave them both a cheeky grin, and sat on a table in a lounging posture.

"Vince I have been having the most marvellous brainstorming session", said Simon. "All about how The Cosmic Garden represents the period before The Big Bang, and that the play will be set outside the boundaries of time and space. That was all Vince's idea".

"It just seemed to happen that way", said Vince helplessly.

"And then I discussed with Vince how Julian and Leon fill the roles of clowns in the play".

"Of course", said Vanessa, rapidly taking notes, one hand tugging on a hunk of her hair. "I mean, it's so obvious that Leon is the coloured clown, and Julian is the white clown".

"What?", said Vince. "What does that mean?".

"Well in a classic pair of clowns, one clown is happy and simple-natured. He wears a lot of make-up and has dyed hair, and dresses in bold, colourful clothing and big shoes. He often has exaggerated features, which means my shnoz will finally come in useful", smiled Vanessa, pointing at her own rather long nose. "Anyway, that's Leon, the coloured clown".

"And what about Julian?", asked Vince warily.

"Julian is Leon's counterweight – he's serious and intellectual, and is classically the sad clown with a complex nature. They're known as white clowns, and their faces are usually smooth and beautiful in an almost blank, featureless way. Julian will boss Leon around, but although Leon is in a subordinate position, and likes to act the fool, he's actually quite clever, and very witty. I'm so glad I'm the happy, funny clown", said Vanessa. "So, how did I do?".

"Very well indeed", said Simon. "I can tell _you_ did your homework before coming to rehearsal".

"I know, I'm such a girly swot", laughed Vanessa. "I've always got my big nose stuck in a book".

"Well, write all this down, Vince", urged Simon. "These notes will be essential to you as you come to grips with becoming Julian, with understanding his role and how he relates to Leon".

"You make it sound as if they're not real people though", said Vince, his jaw stuck out a little. "I mean, Julian and Leon aren't just clowns, or roles to play. They're real people, working in a real garden, with real lives".

"Excellent point", said Simon. "And that's exactly what I want you and Vanessa to get across. You have to bring Julian and Leon to life, to show the humanity behind the mask. The raw emotion, the hearts beating in their chests. The sheer guts it takes to survive in a strange universe".

Vince didn't feel that Simon had understood him at all, but they went back to workshopping the play together. He did his best to be polite to Vanessa, and she continued to be very friendly to him. At the end of the rehearsal, she put her arms around him and gave him a hug as she said goodbye.

Vince stiffened, and struggled hard with himself not to push her away – he had a foolish urge to say, "Don't touch me!" to her. He wondered if this was how Howard felt when he was touched: overwhelmed and confused, mistrustful of the touching, and what it meant.

"Bye, Vanessa", he said. "Um, see you next time".

For some reason he couldn't seem to look her in the eye. Instead he glanced slightly to one side of her, as if she was a light too bright and glaring to look at directly. Vanessa gave him a slow, amused smile as she left the theatre to catch a bus home, and after he said goodbye to Simon, Vince began walking back to the Zooniverse alone.

********************************************************************

When Vince got home, he found the zookeeper's hut empty. He picked up a letter from Howard, which had been left on the kitchen table, and read it.

_Dear Vince,_

_I've gone to Jazz Club, and might be back late as we have a rare edition of Herbie Hancock's "Man-Child" album to listen to which has two bonus tracks. We're meeting at Horace's as usual. His wife always moans about us coming over and listening to jazz to all hours, but I've got a plan to read her my poetry, which is certain to put her in a good mood._

_Your dinner is in the oven. I've put it in an improvised bain-marie so it doesn't dry out, because I know you hate that. I made your favourite vegetarian lasagne, but don't worry, I didn't put any aubergine in it. There's Jaffa Cakes for afters, and I noticed you had nearly run out of Raspberry Bootlaces, so I bought you a new packet when I was at Tesco. It's in the pantry cupboard, and once it's opened, don't leave it lying around because that's how we get ants._

_Sorry I've been so grumpy lately. It was wrong of me, because you got the part of Julian fair and square. I don't regret confronting that pillock Simon about it, because he almost made it sound as if he had written the lead role of Julian with me in mind, but I shouldn't have taken my disappointment out on you. Coupled with losing out on the book contract, and Mrs Gideon getting off with your panda, it seemed like a lot of disappointment to deal with all at once._

_I hope you had a great time at rehearsal. I know you will get along with the rest of the cast, because you always get on well with people, it's one of your gifts. Anyway, break a leg, as they say – in fact, break two, and maybe an arm! Ha ha. Only joking. Although seriously, I could help with that._

_Don't forget "Colobus the Crab" comes on at 7.30 pm. If you tape it, we can watch it together tomorrow. You don't have to though, and they always show the repeats during the summer anyway. See you when I get home. If you're still up, I'll make cocoa._

_Your mate,_

_Howard_

Vince listlessly got his dinner out of the oven. He wasn't really hungry, but Howard had gone to so much trouble he felt he'd better eat it. He'd already missed most of _Colobus the Crab_ , and the next program was something really boring about an archaeology dig at a hill fort in North Yorkshire. He watched the first part of it anyway.

Vince washed up his dinner things, and ate a couple of Raspberry Bootlaces while he watched his archaeology program. It was probably good research for the role of Julian – it seemed like something Julian might want to watch.

He looked at his script, and at the notes he had taken. _grow mustashe_. _garden = universe? time + space_. _ask Howard what big bang is_. _hair!!!!! J & L clowns_. _J = sad clown_.

Vince felt lonely and depressed, so he was sure he was getting into the role of Julian already. This was probably how Julian felt most of the time: sort of empty and sad, and as if other people didn't really understand him.

Vince wondered how much longer he could keep on being Julian without going completely mental.


	2. Act Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You've gone wrong in your mind-tank", said Vince. "Leon isn't real, he's fictional".
> 
> "He's fictional, but is he really fictional?", asked Vanessa with a peculiar smile.

**ACT 2**

[ _SCENE: The gardener's hut. LEON is working at a bench upstage left, potting bulbs that will bloom in the spring. JULIAN is lying on a sofa downstage right, writing love poetry. He often crosses out his work in an apparent fury before beginning again_ ].

JULIAN ( _declaiming his poetry_ ): Oh my sweet love, my ripe summer peach. Your face is round like a peach, your complexion peaches and cream, with the blush of a rosy peach upon your cheeks. Your hair, golden as a fresh peach. Your two lips, parted as a peach parts from its clingstone, moist, seductive ...

LEON ( _sulkily_ ): Let me kiss your top lip, with the hint of peach fuzz across it.

JULIAN ( _hugging a sofa cushion and looking dreamy_ ): How I love her, the lovely lady who is Miss Geneva!

LEON ( _jealously_ ): You don't love her, you don't even know her! You've never even spoken to her!

JULIAN: I've spoken to her in my mind, many times. And I've come to know and love her, at a distance, in a way few could ever comprehend.

LEON ( _coming downstage to stand near the sofa_ ): You don't even know what love is!

JULIAN: You're right, Leon. But I want to know what love is. I want you to show me! ( _he holds out his hands in pleading supplication_ )

LEON ( _startled and hardly daring to believe it_ ): What?

JULIAN: I mean, you've been with loads of girls, Leon. You must know about love. Can't you teach me about it, and help me talk to Miss Geneva, so I can win her heart?

LEON ( _looking down, abashed at this admission_ ): I've never been in love with any of the girls I've been with, Julian. And I don't think any of them have been in love with me, either.

_Leon raises his head; he and Julian gaze into each other's eyes_.

**********************************************************

Vince read the new section of script they were supposed to be starting from. It had been Vanessa's idea that Julian should have an unrequited love; she said the white clown always pines for the love of a lady. And Julian would write poetry, because the white clown had come to represent the artist as well as the naive lover. Simon chose Miss Geneva's name to add to the biblical associations in the play, to stress creation on a cosmic scale.

Vince had complained that they would need another actress to play Miss Geneva, but Simon said that Miss Geneva would be an unseen character that we get to know through Julian and Leon's dialogue. By leaving her unseen, she would be a more powerful symbol of Julian's ignorance of her, and the audience would be free to imagine her however they liked. Vince didn't think Miss Geneva was in any way necessary: after all, the play was meant to be about Julian and Leon.

They had been rehearsing _Autumn Magnets_ for almost a month now, and his nascent moustache was still just a few strands of lightish hair on his top lip. Vince suspected that the line about kissing the peach fuzz was a barb in his direction.

As for Vince's hair, it had never looked worse in his life. It was half grown out, so that fair hair was showing through the dark dye. People might complain about dark roots showing through bleached blonde hair, but the other way around was much less desirable. His hair had no shape to it at all, and was that ambivalent sort that is neither curly nor wavy, yet too frizzy to be straight, either. He'd stopped wearing make-up – it seemed to make his hair look even worse.

"We need to decide how this situation with Miss Geneva is going to be resolved", said Simon, "so that we've got an endpoint the script can work towards".

"In classical terms, the white clown usually gets his heart broken when the lady rejects him for someone else", said Vanessa. "He's too innocent and trusting to see that it's happening, and she sometimes strings him along".

"Who usually gets her instead?", asked Vince, thinking this meant yet another character added to the mix.

"Well ... it's often the coloured clown", said Vanessa. "You know, he's bright, and sunny, and amusing, so she chooses him over the serious, depressing white clown".

"That doesn't make any sense here", argued Vince. "Leon isn't interested in Miss Geneva, and says he's never loved any girls".

"I agree", said Vanessa. "What do you think should happen, Vince?".

Vince wasn't yet used to people asking for his opinions, or listening when he had one, so he was slightly taken aback.

"Um ... I don't see why we have to stick to what everyone else does", he said. "Maybe ... Miss Geneva could fall for Julian, but then _he_ rejects _her_ when he realises he never really knew or loved her after all".

"Not bad", said Simon thoughtfully. "I think you're onto something there, Vince. How about we workshop Julian's unrequited love by sharing our own stories of times when we loved someone and our feelings weren't returned?"

"I'll go first", said Vanessa, looking as if she was steeling herself for something unpleasant. "When I was at school, I fell in love with my best friend. Being a teenager, it was an intense agony and ecstasy, and every day I swung between thinking they might love me back, and being sure if I told them, they would run for the hills and I'd lose my best friend".

"Did you ever tell them?", Vince asked.

"Yes", said Vanessa, with a funny upside-down smile as if she was trying not to cry. "One evening in summer we were just sitting outside together on the lawn. It was very still and quiet, and we hadn't said anything for ages. And then for no reason that I can think of, I just suddenly said _I'm terribly in love with you_ ".

"And then what?", asked Simon with a rather horrible glee, as if he guessed what was coming.

"They ... they were shocked and embarrassed", Vanessa said. "They said they hadn't had the least idea, and they loved me very much as a friend, but they didn't feel the same way at all. And they hoped we could still keep being friends, if that wouldn't be too hard for me".

Vanessa looked as if this old memory was still upsetting, so Vince put his arm around her thin shoulders to comfort her.

"Did you stay friends?", he asked gently.

"For a while, but it wasn't really the same", said Vanessa. "I'd made things awkward between us, and when we finished school, we went to study at different places and just gradually lost contact. That was my first experience of being in love, and it wasn't that nice. What about you, Vince?".

Vince sat quietly for a while, looking as if he didn't know exactly what to say. A big part of him wanted to brag that nobody had ever rejected him, that people didn't say no to Vince Noir, but he couldn't do that when Vanessa was looking so bleak. He racked his brains for something he could say.

"I got a crush on someone I worked with once", he offered. "It was weird, because I'd known them for a while, and we kept arguing all the time for no reason. And then it was like a light came on and I realised I was ... that I liked them. I mean, I was attracted to them".

"Did you ever tell them?", Vanessa asked sympathetically.

"Yeah ... I mean, nah ... not really. I kept dropping huge hints all the time, but got nothing, so I didn't know if they didn't feel the same way, or were just thick at getting hints. And then ... they told me they loved me".

"What?", said Vanessa, looking betrayed. "But that's not unrequited love at all, you wretch!".

"It weren't the way you're thinking", said Vince, shaking his head. "We were on a ... sort of work trip, and we'd got into a ... a bit of a jam together, and they said _I love you_. Only ... I didn't know if they meant they loved me as a friend or something more, and I thought they might have just said it in a sort of panic. You know, in case we died or something".

"So what did you say?", asked Simon.

"Well, I know it sounds a bit mental, but I started laughing", admitted Vince. "Might have been nerves, or the way they suddenly said it, or because I was happy about it. I mean, I still said I loved them and everything, but we ended up in a fight because of me laughing, and then ... well things got pretty busy for a while, and we didn't have time to think about it".

"But after you got back from the work trip?", asked Vanessa. "Surely you both talked about it then?".

"Nah, we didn't", said Vince. "We just acted like nothing happened. You know, what's said on the work trip stays on the work trip kind of thing".

"You know Vince, I really don't think that's unrequited love", said Vanessa. "It sounds more like two people who are scared to tell each other how they feel".

"Yeah well ... if you can only say how you feel when you think you're just about to die, it can't be that genuine", said Vince dismissively. "They would have just tried to wriggle out of it once they realised we were going to live after all".

"And how did things end between you?", Vanessa asked.

"Nothing really changed", shrugged Vince. "I mean, I kept dropping hints and they never said anything one way or another. And I'm pretty sure they liked someone else, anyway".

"Well that's the weirdest story ever", said Vanessa, looking perplexed. "It's like a mystery. I don't know whether they loved you back or not!".

"This is absolute gold", said Simon, scribbling madly. "This is going into the script somewhere".

"Hey, you can't put my life into the play!", said Vince indignantly.

"Don't worry, all the details will be changed", Simon assured him offhandedly, still writing. "It won't be recognisable as your life".

"What's _your_ unrequited love story, anyway?", asked Vince, a little snappishly.

"Oh ... I really liked someone, so I asked them out and they said no", said Simon glibly.

"Mm, and how did you feel when that happened?", asked Vanessa.

"Pretty annoyed. I mean, I don't want to toot my own horn, but I'm quite a catch. Intelligent, educated, witty, talented, financially secure, craggily handsome, the foremost exponent of devised theatre in contemporary Britain. So I just kept asking them out, and eventually I wore them down and they said yes, they would go out with me after all".

"Then what?", said Vanessa, looking rather disgusted.

"The relationship became quite serious, but then I met someone I liked much better, so I chucked my partner to go out with them instead", concluded Simon, on a note of supreme self-satisfaction. "Oh, that's my phone".

Simon took the call outside, whispering behind his hand to Vince and Vanessa they could take a short break.

The two of them sat in some discomfort. They had never been alone before. Vanessa sat cross-legged, looking at the floor and twirling her curly hair between her fingers. Vince looked at his script, as if studying hard for some test that nobody else knew about.

"You know, I hardly know anything about you", Vanessa said after a minute or two. "Is this your first acting job?".

"Nah, I had the lead role in _Candide_ at the Palladium", said Vince, looking up.

"Oh, well done you", said Vanessa with some surprise. "What work do you do – you know, when you're not acting?".

"I'm a zookeeper", said Vince.

"You're joking, really? But that's so funny", said Vanessa. " _Zoo_ is short for _zoological garden_ , and in the play you're a gardener, while in real life you're basically a _zoological gardener_!".

"I didn't know that about zoos", said Vince. "Never thought about it that way. I work at The Zooniverse".

"And in the play you work at The Cosmic Garden", marvelled Vanessa. "I mean, universe, cosmos. It's quite a coincidence".

"I suppose", said Vince, who was having trouble keeping up with her rapid train of thought. "What's your job?".

"I'm a professional actress", said Vanessa sharply. "I've been Rosalind in _As You Like It_ , and Viola in _Twelfth Night_ , and I was the understudy for Beatrice in _Much Ado About Nothing_ , but I only got to go on once".

"Anything modern?", asked Vince.

"Oh yes. I did _Cabaret_ , and _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ , and _Streetcar_ , and I played Skimbleshanks in _Cats_ ", said Vanessa. "And I've had bits parts on _Casualty_ and _EastEnders_ ".

"You were on _EastEnders_? No way, you're too posh", said Vince, giggling.

"Leave it out, guv'nor", Vanessa said with a grin. "But that's acting, isn't it? You pretend to be someone you're not, just like I'm pretending to be a man in this production, and you're pretending to be from Yorkshire".

"You must have been at it a fair while, to have done that many plays", suggested Vince.

"Not long really", demurred Vanessa. "I'm only twenty-two. I started young".

Pull the other one, you're thirty if you're a day, Vince thought to himself. Out loud he said: "Not much older than me, then. I'm ... er, nineteen".

"You didn't go to college?", asked Vanessa.

"Um, no ... I dropped out of school when I was fifteen, never finished my GSCEs", Vince said, looking a bit shifty. "My mate was working at the Zooniverse – he's a few years older than me – and he said why didn't I apply to be his assistant".

"So this must be your first job", said Vanessa thoughtfully.

"Uh yeah", said Vince. "Been there ... er, four years".

"I see", said Vanessa, looking as if she was seeing a lot. Vince wondered nervously what exactly she was seeing.

Just then, Simon poked his head inside the door to say that he had to take care of something very urgent, and if they didn't mind, could they please rehearse the scene together they'd workshopped yesterday, and then they could go home.

When he'd gone, they took their positions, pretending to clean garden furniture with imaginary buckets and sponges.

"The garden's going to seed", said Vince discontentedly, in the role of Julian. "It wasn't like this when Andy was in charge".

"Yeah well, Andy's dead", said Vanessa, in the role of Leon, not sounding sad.

"Andy was one of the greatest gardeners of all time", said Vince. "He was a handsome man too – strong and powerful like a mighty oak tree".

"Not according to the photos I've seen", said Vanessa mockingly. "He looked like an angry mushroom".

"Don't ever badmouth Andy!", said Vince angrily, throwing his imaginary sponge down. "He was my hero, and I miss him every day".

"Did you love Andy?", asked Vanessa, coming closer to Vince, and gazing at him with a longing fascination.

"How dare you even speak Andy's name to me, you ... you parsnip-nosed cretin!", shouted Vince, looking as if he was going to slap Vanessa.

"Did you ... kiss Andy?", asked Vanessa in a wistful tone, coming even closer, her lips parted as if she was asking Vince to kiss them.

"Why do you do that?", said Vince, moving away from Vanessa. "I mean, why do you always act as if Leon is ... I dunno, in love with Julian or something? You do it in every fucking scene, and it's starting to really shit me".

"Because Leon _is_ in love with Julian", said Vanessa calmly. "I've been Leon for nearly a month now; I've lived him, I've shared his psyche. He guides me in my acting choices".

"You've gone wrong in your mind-tank", said Vince. "Leon isn't real, he's fictional".

"He's fictional, but is he _really_ fictional?", asked Vanessa with a peculiar smile.

"Yeah, he's just in a play", insisted Vince. "And he isn't in love with Julian".

"Vince, there's times I doubt I was ever really in love with my best friend", said Vanessa . "Sometimes I think I got platonic love mixed up with teenage hormones, and I made a mistake. But I'm certain that Leon is in love with Julian. I know it with every beat of my heart, with every breath I take".

"Then ... is Julian in love with Leon?", asked Vince in a small voice.

"One thing I'll never do , and that's tell another actor how to interpret their role", said Vanessa firmly. "That's you for you decide, Vince".

"I don't know how to", said Vince, looking suddenly fragile and pitiful.

"You must connect with Julian", Vanessa said softly. "You must live so that you hear Julian's thoughts and words in your own head, letting him guide you right _here_ ". She touched Vince in the centre of his chest.

"You must _become_ Julian", she continued. "Then you will know how he feels. What does your heart tell you, right now?".

Vince tried to connect with Julian, tried to think and feel as he did.

"I ... I dunno", he said at last. "I dunno how Julian feels, and I dunno if he knows himself. I mean, I dunno if Julian is connected enough to his own heart to even know stuff like that".

"And how would that make Julian behave towards Leon?", asked Vanessa.

"He'd act as if he didn't notice that Leon is in love with him", said Vince. "He'd pretend like nothing was happening, even when Leon was looking at him as if he's starving for love, the way you look at me when we're doing a scene together".

To his horror, Vince gave a dry sob deep in his chest, and Vanessa put her arms around him to comfort him.

"Poor Julian", she said. "Poor, foolish Julian. I've been so angry with him all this time, and now all I feel is sorry for him that he can't see what's right in front of his nose".

"I know, I'm a stupid berk, aren't I?", said Vince with a wobbly sort of giggle.

***************************************************************

"Alright, Howard?", Vince said when he got home to the zookeeper's hut.

"How was rehearsal?", Howard asked.

"Oh ... good", said Vince, sitting at the kitchen table. "I think I had an acting breakthrough".

"Well, that's excellent", said Howard. "What would you like for dinner, Vince, or do you want to get takeaway or something?".

"Nah, I'm pretty tired Howard, and I'm not really that hungry", said Vince. "Don't bother making me anything".

"I'll just heat you up some soup then", said Howard, getting a container out of the fridge and pouring the contents into a pot. "I made it earlier today".

"Yeah genius. Thanks, Howard".

Howard suddenly peered over at Vince while he was stirring the soup on the stove.

"Have you done something to your hair, Vince? It looks different".

"I've stopped dyeing it, and it's been growing out for nearly a month", said Vince. "It's for this play".

"Well it looks really nice", said Howard. "You should keep it like that".

For a second, Vince thought Howard was being sarcastic, and was about to make a rude retort, when he realised that Howard was completely sincere.

"My hair looks bloody awful", he told Howard. "What are you even seeing, that you think it looks nice?".

"It looks soft, and natural, and like it would be nice to ... ahem. And all the different colours in it make it more interesting than hair usually is. It's like an animal's coat".

Vince looked aghast at Howard's entirely incorrect assessment of his hair. He decided Howard must be a bit like Julian – deluded, and unable to see what was right in front of his nose. Unable to see how bad Vince's hair looked, he meant.

What a stupid berk.


	3. Act Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The playwright, or the dramaturge, is simply the conduit for the characters", said Simon. "I don't know. I probably know less about Julian than you do".
> 
> "You're lying", said Vince angrily.

**ACT 3**

[ _SCENE: The smallest potting shed in the garden, which is little bigger than a very large wardrobe. JULIAN and LEON are sitting back to back on two rickety wooden chairs, and have, by some bizarre accident beyond our ken, become tied together with a mass of heavy garden twine. JULIAN is sitting slumped, defeated. LEON is relaxed, still chirpy. It is notable that JULIAN is dirty, dishevelled, and looks like hell, while LEON looks exactly the same as he always does – well-groomed and perfectly presented_ ].

JULIAN: Four days. We've been locked in here for four days now.

LEON: That long already?

JULIAN: I think I may be going mad from lack of food and water. Sometimes I think I might be hallucinating this whole episode. We have to face the fact that we're close to the end now.

LEON: What do you think about me getting a perm? I mean, a loose one obviously, but still keeping this cheeky little fringe.

JULIAN: For God's sake Leon – we've been locked in this potting shed for days! Don't you think we should be trying to get out, not nattering about your coiffure?

LEON: We could shout for help. Like this: help, help!

JULIAN: Nobody can hear us, Leon. We're two miles from the big house, and three miles from the nearest road. The nearest neighbour is four miles away, and the village is five miles.

LEON: People will miss us. They'll come looking for us.

JULIAN: Who'd miss us? Who cares about us? Who'd even notice if I vanished from the face of the earth?

LEON: I'd notice, Julian. I would miss you and care that you were gone, and I'd come looking for you and all.

JULIAN: Just one flaw in that master plan of yours, Leon. You're locked in here with me!

LEON: Well, it wasn't an actual plan, Julian. Not a plan as such. I was just saying, I'd notice if you vanished.

JULIAN ( _flatly_ ): Thank you, Leon.

LEON: Captain Cabinets would get us out.

JULIAN: Captain Cabinets is a fictional character.

LEON: I know, I'm just saying, this shed is about the size of a cabinet, and Captain Cabinets would be able to think of a way to get us out.

TOGETHER ( _singing TV theme song_ ): Can he get out? Will he get out? Of course he will.

A long silence.

JULIAN ( _after clearing his throat_ ): Leon, this is difficult for me, but there's something I feel I should say. I ... I love you, Leon.

_Leon laughs uncontrollably._

JULIAN ( _hurt, angry_ ): How dare you laugh?

LEON ( _trying not to laugh_ ): I was just ... surprised. It came out of the blue.

JULIAN: I'm telling you that I love you!

LEON: Well, I love you too.

JULIAN: You don't! You just said it because I said it!

LEON: No, really.

JULIAN: I will never recover from this humiliation. My heart has been struck down, brutally. I won't ever tell anyone I love them again.

LEON ( _feels in pocket, a sudden realisation_ ): You'll laugh when I tell you this, Julian.

JULIAN: What?

LEON: I've got the key to the shed in my pocket. I forgot I had it.

JULIAN ( _through gritted teeth_ ): We're still tied to these chairs.

_Leon gets up from his chair, the garden twine falling away as he does so._

LEON: No, we're right, Julian. I don't think the garden twine ever really tied us up. That might have been one of your hallucinations. I've saved us both!

_He holds up the key triumphantly. Julian's face is a mixture of strong emotions. He appears still unable to get up from his chair._

****************************************************************

"You said it wouldn't be recognisable as my life", Vince said as he read the new section of script. "This is basically exactly what happened".

"What? You got tied together in a shed for four days, talked about getting a perm, and sang the theme song to _Captain Cabinets_ before realising you had the key all along?", asked Simon sceptically.

"Well no ... not those bits. But the part where we said I love you, that was almost the exact same words we used".

"You told us what you said ... I wrote it straight down, and then I added other bits to make it fiction", said Simon. "That's how writing works, Vince".

"And we didn't sing the theme song to _Captain Cabinets_ , but we've sung it together other times", objected Vince.

"Vince, _Captain Cabinets_ is one of the most popular shows on TV, and everyone sings the theme song", said Simon. "It's like saying I'd written that Julian watches _Dr Who_ , and you said you'd watched _Dr Who_ , so I must have stolen the idea".

Vince didn't know how to argue with Simon, he was cleverer than Vince. He just knew that Simon had done something underhanded at some point. For one thing, he was almost sure he hadn't told Simon and Vanessa the exact words he and Howard had said to each other, yet here they were (more or less) on the page. Then again, maybe he did tell Simon all that. It had been a while ago, and he couldn't really remember it that well.

They had been working on _Autumn Magnets_ for more than three months now. Vince's hair had completely grown out, and been dyed brown, permed, and ruffled into a tangled mess. He'd tried to get bigger for the role, but it hadn't really worked. He'd just got a bit fatter, and the extra weight had settled in an unflatteringly lumpy way, which he attempted to disguise by wearing baggy shapeless clothing.

Vince thought he had never looked more hideous, and that's what people must mean by suffering for your art. He'd be lucky to even be allowed to read _Cheekbone_ , let alone grace its cover.

Vanessa's transformation was complete now, her hair straightened and cut into a rock star shag cut like Joan Jett's. It had been dyed very dark, with blonde highlights. She wore dramatic make-up, and only dressed in trousers and jackets in preparation for a male role, although she chose loose blouses and colourful tee shirts for a slight androgynous feel.

"I look like a pointy old witch", she'd complained the last time they met.

"Nah, you look dead glam", Vince had assured her.

"In the '50s I would have been burned at the stake", she'd said with a gloomy pride.

"Well look at me. I've got thunder thighs and a pumpkin arse, and my hair looks like it's been cut by the council".

"You look really cool, sort of beatnik", Vanessa told him. "And the extra weight just makes you look cute".

"I'm a disaster without make-up", moaned Vince. "My skin's red and blotchy, and my nose looks massive".

"On stage that will all be smoothed out by greasepaint and lighting", Vanessa said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "You'll look handsome, trust me".

To Simon's displeasure, Vince's moustache had never really come to much, and he was always berating him for not working harder on growing it. Vince suggested he wear a fake moustache, but Simon said his theatre productions were famous for their authenticity and attention to detail. A fake moustache would ruin his reputation.

"I give you the simplest little task, growing a moustache, and you just can't be bothered", said Simon crossly. "And where's Vanessa? She's been late to every single rehearsal".

"She said she had to head a symposium on newts", said Vince. He had taught Vanessa how to come up with really convincing excuses.

"Oh that's the worst one yet", said Simon. "I'm going to have to start a list of all her ridiculous stories to explain why she can't turn up on time. It's completely unprofessional".

"Simon, you write the scripts. Can you tell me if Leon is in love with Julian?", asked Vince.

"That's what you read into it, is it?", said Simon with a sly grin.

"Well, that's how Vanessa is playing Leon, as if he's in love", said Vince.

"Makes about as much sense as an actor playing Count Dracula and wearing fangs", said Simon.

"Dracula does have fangs".

"Exactly, it's so obvious", said Simon.

"And how does Julian feel?".

"That's up to you", said Simon. "What your approach?".

"That Julian doesn't know himself, and ignores how Leon feels", said Vince.

"Hm well, reasonable enough interpretation I suppose", said Simon, not looking quite convinced.

"Where did you get the names for them, anyway?", asked Vince.

"Julian is used for astronomical and historical time", explained Simon. "You know, like a Julian day, or a Julian period, which is, I forget, about eight thousand years long. Don't even ask me about a Julian epoch".

"And Leon?".

"Even easier. It's _eon_ with an _L_ in front", said Simon. "You see, both names are all about spans of time".

Vince was starting to feel that the conversation had got over his head, when Vanessa arrived, and was soon being scolded by Simon for being late again. She gave Vince a secret little smile, and waggled one finger at him, which was one of their private signals to one another.

"Anyway, now that we're all finally here, I want you two to start doing some improv for the sleepwalking scene", said Simon. "It's the climax of the play, and I don't think we're really there yet".

They got into position, lying on the floor about three feet apart from one another. On stage, they would both be in single beds in the gardeners' hut. They mimed falling asleep, Vince (as Julian) doing so restlessly, with lots of tossing and turning, while Vanessa (in the role of Leon), curled up like a cat and fell asleep almost at once.

A few minutes after Vince finally appeared to be asleep, Vanessa mimed throwing off the bed covers, and got out of bed. With her arms stretched out in front of her, her eyes open and glazed over, she slowly began walking around the hut. She mimed bumping into something, and Simon made a noise, because that was Vince's cue to wake up and get out of bed himself.

"Leon, what are you doing?", Vince said in a sleepily plaintive voice; the voice of someone unexpectedly woken after they'd only just fallen asleep.

Vanessa continued walking. She mimed opening the door of the hut, and began walking out.

"No, Leon – you're sleepwalking", Vince said in an anxious voice, touching Vanessa on the shoulder. "Please, get back into bed".

Vanessa continued walking out the door, with Vince following, pleading with Leon to come back before he hurt himself.

"Vince, you don't sound nearly frightened enough", said Simon. "You need to be terrified that your best friend is going to harm himself in his sleep".

Simon thought for a while, then said, "Vanessa, get up on the line of tables at the back of the room. Sleepwalk across them with your eyes closed".

Vanessa obediently got up on the first table, while Vince said, "This is mental. You don't have to do this, Vanessa".

Vanessa ignored him and began doing her sleepwalk routine, now dropping her arms to her sides, and closing her eyes.

"Leon, _please_ ", said Vince urgently. "Leon, you'll fall and hurt yourself, you numpty".

Vanessa swayed slightly, and Simon said, "Vince, if she falls off that table she could break a leg. But hey, that's lucky for an actor. Ha! Not really – she'll be out of the play".

"You're a complete and utter arse, McFarnaby", said Vince savagely, following Vanessa and trying to grab her hand so he could guide her back. Vanessa kept walking, no matter what he did.

Simon quietly opened the window at the end of the row of tables.

"If she keeps going, she's out the window and then it's curtains for Leon", he whispered nastily into Vince's ear. "Oh dear me. It's a twelve foot drop to the street. Hope you weren't getting too _fond_ of her or anything".

Vince gave him one look of furious contempt, then leapt up on the final table to place himself between Vanessa and the window.

"Leon, it's okay, I'm here", he said firmly and loudly. "I won't let anything happen to you. Come to me, Leon".

Vince threw his arms around Vanessa when she walked into them, and held her tight. She suddenly slumped against his chest with the dead weight of a sleeper, and Vince had to topple sideways to the floor, still holding Vanessa, lest they both go out the window.

"You're safe now", he murmured to Vanessa, holding her in his arms while she still acted as if she were asleep. "I've got you. It's you and me all the way, Leon".

He stroked Vanessa's hair, and placed a kiss on her temple. Vanessa opened her eyes, and gazed up at Vince.

"You came back to me, Leon", said Vince.

"I'll always come back to you, Julian", she said, in a low, intense voice. "Nothing can ever drive us apart – we'll forever be pulled together again, like autumn magnets".

Vanessa put her head on Vince's shoulder, and he held her in his lap, his mouth just inches away from her lips. They froze into a tableau which would be lit by a single spotlight on a dark stage.

"What a touching scene", sneered Simon. "Anyway, that was a slight improvement, Vince, but you've still got a long way to go. Vanessa, I've got some performance notes for you that we'll go through together now".

"Vanessa, are you okay?", asked Vince as she got up.

"Fine thanks – you broke my fall", smiled Vanessa. "You were great, Vince. I felt completely safe with you the whole time".

While Vanessa was with Simon, Vince found that he was still shaking from what had just occurred. He couldn't understand it – he never felt worried, or frightened. He never felt anxious about anybody else, or doubted his own ability to save them if necessary. What was wrong with him?

Then he realised that he must have become Julian, and was thinking and feeling as he did. It was Julian who had been frightened on Leon's behalf, had feared losing him, had been anxious as to the outcome. He tried to keep feeling connected to Julian, so he could know whether Julian was in love with Leon.

He knew that Julian loved Leon – he had told him so, when they thought they were trapped in the shed. But maybe that was a platonic love, the love that exists between best friends. He tried to tap into how Julian felt, but it kept getting confused with his own feelings for Vanessa, who he loved as a friend.

When Simon came over to give him his performance notes, he didn't wait for him to begin, but immediately said, "Simon. I need to know. Is Julian in love with Leon?".

"Julian loves Leon very much", said Simon. "He told Leon how he felt in the potting shed, and risked his own life to save Leon".

"I know Julian loves him", said Vince. "But does he _really_ love him?". His voice suddenly cracked, and he was wringing his hands together without realising it.

"Vince, Leon is very dear to Julian", said Simon, more gently. "He's the only person Julian really loves, the only person in the world who matters to him. He cares for him deeply, and if he lost him, he would be heartbroken beyond all comprehension".

"Is Julian in love with Leon?", asked Vince desperately. "Not just loves him as a very dear friend, but something more than that?".

"That's your decision as an actor, Vince", said Simon. "Do you want to play him as being in love with Leon all along? Or perhaps realising how deeply he is in love when he nearly loses Leon?".

"No, I don't mean I decide if he is or not", said Vince in frustration. "I need to know – is Julian in love with Leon? You write the scripts: you've got to know".

"The playwright, or the dramaturge, is simply the conduit for the characters", said Simon. "I don't know. I probably know less about Julian than you do".

"You're lying", said Vince angrily.

"No, I'm really not", said Simon. "And I think you're getting a little overwrought, Vince. That's common after a trust exercise, so let's all calm down now, hey?".

"Tell me, I really need to know", said Vince passionately, grabbing the lapels of Simon's jacket.

"Vince, please control yourself", said Simon, sounding alarmed.

"Tell me, Simon! Just bloody tell me if Julian is in love with Leon with way Leon is with him".

And then he was shaking Simon, begging him to tell him about Julian, his fists pounding against Simon's chest as he screamed at him again and again that he needed to know, that he couldn't go on unless he knew how Julian really felt ...

***************************************************************

"How was rehearsal tonight?", Howard asked, when Vince got in, looking pale and exhausted.

"I quit the play", Vince said.

"Really? Why's that?", asked Howard, trying not to sound as jubilant as he felt.

"Oh ... it was a stupid play, and Simon is a total berk", said Vince. "I think he might have a thing for you though. The hero of the play, Julian, is practically based on you, and is all handsome and brainy and a true artist".

"No, that can't be right, Vince", said Howard. "He wouldn't even let me be in the play".

"Probably couldn't trust himself around you", suggested Vince.

"So who's playing Julian now you've dropped out?", asked Howard.

"Simon took the role himself", said Vince. "He thinks he's craggily handsome".

"Craggily handsome? He's got a head like a conker", said Howard derisively.

"Ha, yeah, old conker nut Simon", grinned Vince.

"And your friend Vanessa is still Leon?", Howard asked.

"Nah, she quit when I did", Vince said. "This is how mental Simon is: when Vanessa said she didn't want to be in the play any more, he went out and grabbed a bloke off the street to play Leon".

"He's gone wrong", said Howard, in delight at Simon's psychological breakdown.

"I know – just some rat-faced scrawny little bald man", said Vince. "Didn't catch his name, but Simon said he'd get him a wig, and once he had the clothes and make-up he'd be perfect".

"And this man _agreed_ to that?", said Howard in disbelief.

"Yeah. _He_ must've been mental and all", Vince said.

"An actor wearing a wig? But his whole reputation is based on authenticity", said Howard. "This is going to absolutely ruin Simon's career. He'll probably have to change his name".

"Yeah, I don't think we'll be hearing any more about Simon McFarnaby", said Vince with satisfaction.

"Anyway Vince, _Colobus the Crab_ is coming on soon. D'you feel like watching it together?".

"Yeah, course I do", said Vince, leaping onto the sofa, to be joined more sedately by Howard.

"I've quite missed this", admitted Howard shyly.

"I missed you, too", said Vince. "You're loads better company than Simon".

"I should think so", snorted Howard. "You know, Vince, you look different since you became an actor. A bit ... bohemian".

"That was just for the play", Vince replied. "Tomorrow I'm getting my hair done, buying new clothes, and going on a diet".

"Yes, I prefer the way you were before", said Howard. "Not everyone can pull that image off – it can look a bit slovenly on a lot of people".

"I'm sick of being an actor, anyway", said Vince. "I'm going to be a rock star. Become frontman for some cool new band, and make some shapes".

"As long as you don't let it go to your head", said Howard.

The opening credits of _Colobus the Crab_ began rolling, and Vince sighed happily as he snuggled into Howard's shoulder. Howard usually complained when Vince did that, but after three months spending almost every evening alone, he wouldn't have cared if Vince was stark naked with a Raspberry Bootlace stuck up his nose, just as long as he was there.

Howard spent a few moments contemplating having a stark naked Vince next to him on the sofa. It wasn't the worst image that had ever come into his mind. It wasn't even in the top five hundred worst images to have been in Howard's mind. It was quite possibly somewhere on the best images list. He put his arm around Vince.

When the show finished, Vince asked Howard if he wanted to watch the archaeological series on the hill forts of North Yorkshire, but Howard said he'd rather get fish and chips. On the way back from the chip shop in Camden Town, they began doing a crimp about fried fish.

_On Saturdee it's all batter-dy_  
_Fish fingers fish fingers rising on a tide_  
_Pirates eating crab cakes_  
_Golden fish and ships_  
_Calamari Kalahari_  
_Captain Fishface – chips!_

They performed their crimp for a group of people waiting at the bus stop, who told them to shove off or they'd both be getting a good kicking. Vince and Howard ran home laughing, and Vince thought how much better this was than Julian and Leon's boring life in that stupid garden.

He didn't care whether Julian was in love with Leon. It didn't matter any more.


End file.
